My Mother Did This For Me Once.

Dati, ang sabi ko handa ako na mamatay para sa'yo.  Pero nag-iba na ang isip ko kasabay ng pag-iiba ng pananaw ko sa mundo.  Hindi ko pala dapat sinabi iyon sa'yo dahil mas tama pala na sabihin na handa ako na ipaglaban ang buhay ko alang-alang sa'yo.  Ang regalo na ibinigay mo saakin may bente siete anyos na ang nakalilipas.  Nasilayan ko ang mundo at nakabuo ako ng mga pangarap dahil hindi mo ipinagdamot saakin ang oportunidad na ikaw lamang ang tanging makapagbibigay saakin.  Totoo, ikaw ay naging kasangkapan lamang ng Diyos, ngunit sa huli ay ikaw pa rin ang may hawak ng huling desisyon.  Hindi mo ipinagdamot saakin ang regalo na ito kahit mag-isa ka lamang na haharap sa bukas na walang katiyakan.  Salamat, aking Ina.  Salamat sa buhay na hindi mo ipinagkait saakin. Mahal na kita noon pa man, pero mas mahal pa kita ngayon.  Sa tuwing pagmamasdan ko ang aking anak, nadarama ko ang mga sakripisyo mo para saakin.  Hindi man naging perpekto ang mga taon na tayo ay magkasama, naiintindihan ko na ngayon kung bakit gayun na lamang ang paghihigpit mo saakin. Nasaksihan ko ang pagsuko mo nang ako ay tumungtong na sa tamang gulang at pinagpasyahan mo na ibigay na lamang ang tiwala saakin at tanggapin na ginawa mo na ang iyong makakaya upang harapin ko ang mundo.  Ngunit sa kabila nito, hindi ka pa rin nawala sa aking tabi. Mahabang panahon pa bago ko gawin ang desisyon na ito  ngunit ngayon pa lang ay natatakot na ako.  Sana ay mas inintindi kita noon. Ito ang mga naglalaro sa isip ko sa mga gabing hawak ko ang aking anak na mahimbing na natutulog sa aking dibdib.  Sa mga araw na ginagawa kong gabi at gabi na ginagawa kong araw.  Sa mga araw na sobrang pagod at sobrang puyat ang pinipilit kong labanan.  At sa mga araw at gabi pa na darating na kailangan kong mag-sakripisyo at mag-isip hindi lamang para saaking sarili kung hindi mas para saaking anak, ikaw ang lagi kong iisipin.  Sa maraming beses na kakailanganin kong bumangon sa alanganing oras dahil sa iyak ng anak ko, at sa maraming pagkakataon na ayokong mapapikit man lamang dahil natatakot ako na huminto ang paghinga n'ya ng hindi ko namamalayan, ikaw pa rin ang iisipin ko. Lalo na sa mga pagkakataong darating na magkaroon na ng sarili n'yang isip at opinyon ang anak ko, at pilit ko s'yang iintindihin, ikaw pa rin ang maiisip ko.  Dahil minsan sa ating buhay, ginawa mo rin ang mga ito para saakin. xXx

Your First Christmas!

You Are The Cure

When I am too exhausted and frustrated at trying to figure out what you want and need especially in the wee hours of the morning, I take your mittens off. This is the only time I do this, because I panic when you make yourself bleed by scratching your face even after I have been brave enough to trim your tiny fingernails.

You are clean I have just changed your nappy. I know how you hate having the tiniest bit of poo sitting there for more than twenty minutes.
You are well-fed. You have just finished your 150ml of milk and then some from being latched on me. You are at your calmest when you are feeding straight from my breast.
You are neither too hot nor too cold. I always make sure to test your body temperature by touching your back and your chest and tummy. I also check our room temperature regularly to make sure the temperature is just right. I turn the heating on when it goes lower than 16degrees and I peel the extra fleece blanket off you if it gets any hotter than 20.

I don't mind your being too attached to me because to tell you the truth I wouldn't have it any other way. That is why we got the baby carrier so we can always be close to each other whilst my hands are still free to do some chores and eat because I tend to forget to do anything when I am just kept busy staring at your angelic face when I hold you in my arms. You don't like to be put down - not in your moses basket, not in your baby swing, not in your cot bed.

So forgive me if I sometimes get too exhausted from lack of sleep and bored for not having time to do anything fun for myself because your father is at work all day and a big chunk of the evening.
When I get to the point where I want to scream to the top of my lungs, I take your mitten off.

I lightly press my little finger against your tiny palm and let you wrap your little hand around my little finger. I let you squeeze as hard as you possibly can. For many reasons, this calms me down. It drowns the sound of your cry but most of all it drowns the frustration in my heart. I have been trusted with your precious life and I should not break that trust I was granted by God.

One day I hope you will do the same with my shaking and wrinkly hand.

A Poem I Especially Wrote For You, Son.

I Carried You, You Carry Me.

I carried you in me for quite some time
I told you stories and sang you many songs
I trusted you with secrets no one will ever know
I didn't need to see you to know how I love you so.

I carried your heart with me for quite some time
I realised you somehow knew you carried mine, too
I felt you grow stronger with each passing day I carried you
And I just know that you felt me grow stronger inside, too.

Today fate has decided it's time for us to meet
It's time for you to make our little family complete
You told me how grateful you are for all the months I carried you
With a shrill cry and a healthy heartbeat, you told me you love me too.

I cannot begin to tell you how much you've already taught me
You made me realise how much of a better person I can be
Throughout your life people will tell you to love me
Because I'm the person who was blessed to give you life
But my child, don't listen to a word they say and instead take it from me
Love me because your heart feels it and your mind agrees
and because you, my little fighter, is the one who gave life to me.

Due Week!!!!

Trustfund

James and I had a brief chat yesterday about setting up a trustfund for our son as soon as he is born. The fact that he brought it up makes me feel really secure -- for my Scott. I know that if something happens to me he will not be alone and he will not be without love. xXx

Mummy putting her feet up because you seem to weigh a ton! We're so excited to meet you!!!

Pasalubong ni Daddy

James had been bringing home cuddly toys for our little one over the past few months -- even before our little one is even out! Imagine what he would be like when he's actually here.
I was told he's still got the owl and piglet to complete the Winnie the Pooh collection :)

Your winter pram suit from Grandma Allen

My 27th and your 37th :)

Mummy turned 27 years old and you turned exactly 37 weeks! I am so pleased you are now considered a full-term baby and I was told at the hospital that if I go into labour anytime after this point, they won't try and stop it anymore like they would if it happened before the 37th week mark.

On our last visit to the midwife I learned that my bump measured 2cm larger than it should so I'm starting to get nervous about child birth again which I thought I've overcome through the past few months. Ah well as long as you're healthy I can't really complain. I just really want a natural birth because it is best for both you and I and daddy.

PS: It was grandma and grandpa who came with me at my last checkup because your dad had to go to work.

35 weeks and he's getting really heavy now